It's my birthday, and I'm thinking about Future

I'm also thinking about the future

Photos by Flaunt Magazine

I’m afraid of losing myself. In the spaces where I’m forced to compromise, I worry the best parts of me will be ground to dust, leaving nothing for myself, nothing for my people. I’ve seen how easy it is to disappear, or to be disappeared—a mask remaining where a soul once was. I long to live in the tension, mindful of the ways I could fall but not so insulated I fail to feel the warmth.

Today, I’m 31 years old. I thought of this as a trivial birthday until I learned Future was 31 when he dropped Dirty Sprite 2. It’s silly that’s what it took, but Future also made “I Serve the Base,” so I guess it’s not completely groundless.

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DS2, Future’s magnum opus, is brimming with street anthems — “I Serve the Base” chief among them. As No Bells, an indie music blog noted, “Literally every line is a dagger.”

Produced by Metro Boomin, “I Serve the Base” sounds like the opening scene of Tropic Thunder. If you’ve never seen the movie, picture an exaggerated war scene. Helicopters storming into battle, firing off missiles as explosions and dust clouds take center stage.

Throughout the album, it’s clear Future is carrying a lot. And “I Serve the Base” is him at his most fed up. While it’s not fully clear who he’s pointing his ire toward, one can assume it’s the record label—the folks who tried to make him into a pop star. It turns out, as Future asserts, “They made a monster.”

It goes deeper than his career, though. “They tried to take the soul out me,” Future raps. “They tried to take my confidence, and they know I’m cocky.”

I’m writing this letter because I recognize the soul is fragile. As I’ve navigated the past year, the first year of my 30s, witnessing state and interpersonal cruelty, taking the most significant leap of my career, growing as a writer, and balancing my relationships, I’ve done my best to show up with love. And although I hold care in high regard, I also understand it isn’t always a priority in the spaces where I find myself or even the world at large.

Source: “Real Sisters” (Music Video)

It’s tempting to shut off my empathy and go through the motions, to decide the world is too far gone. But accepting defeat is cutting my life short. It’s becoming the monster that evil systems pride themselves on shaping us into.

We celebrate Future’s heartlessness. It’s what makes him the toxic king so many fans have come to adore. But even monsters need affection. Later in the verse, Future raps, “I inhale the love on a bad day.”

I know I’m not supposed to share what I wish for. But I think a lot about the reading I hosted with

rachel moss

in March. Not only was Two Dolllar Radio Headquarters standing-room only, but I felt safe to show up as myself. I think others did, too. Temperature aside, there was a palpable warmth. People wanted to show up for their friends and, along the way, made new friends. I yearn for more moments like this.

In the next year, I hope there’s love everywhere I look. So much love that I can’t help but breathe it in. On the days when my soul is under duress, may love remind me who I am. I wish for love to continually show me the future can hold more good than what we’ve been handed. That the real monsters are those who have yet to witness this love. My birthday tells me there’s still time for them, too.

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